Forward

I used to love to write.

In middle school I wrote corny poems about love, and about peace, and later about feeling sad. One even got published in some random collection I can't remember the title of and will never find again.

Even before that, I wrote in journals. First, one that was small and pink, with Barbie on the cover, eventually a hardcover Harry Potter journal, and by the end, fancier leather ones with gold edges. The end came around early adulthood, and I'm still unsure as to why. I used to write in them religiously, years of my childhood on paper. I wrote about wanting to be a Spice Girl, about my little sister being a brat, about being afraid that I was inherently evil (pretty deep for a nine year old), and as the years passed, about my dad's health issues and about the boys and girls I had crushes on. At some point, though, it no longer felt important. I stopped writing. Maybe I had to write so much in school I lost interest, maybe I no longer had the time, maybe I was intimidated by my writer boyfriend.

Whatever the reason, it continues to bum me out. That is why, every so often, I create a new blog, and I write a post or two. I started a photography blog, a flight attendant blog, a blog about my college experience, a beauty product review blog, and a weight loss blog - none of which panned out. For years now, my writing has been limited to text posts on Tumblr, scattered among funny gifs from my favorite shows and vegan junk food recipes (and plenty of selfies, of course). So here I am, throwing myself into it again.

This past year I have become what you could call “goal-oriented”. It sucks because I stress out about reaching goals sometimes, but it's really incredible because I never used to have “goals”. There was a gaping hole of years in my life where I had no motivation or ideas about my future. Some of that time I was seriously depressed and coping with alcohol, some of that time I was just drifting. Point being, if you asked me about my “five year plan” I would have laughed and/or cried. Eventually, though, I got to a better place and I got some ideas about how I want my life to go.

My favorite method of setting goals is to imagine my ideal self. I don't mean the 120lb me with perfect hair and no pores on my nose who will never, ever exist, by the way – I mean, I will probably always want that, but – I am looking deeper here. I think about the people in my life who I admire, and what characteristics I admire about them. I think about what kind of person I want to be. And then I make a list of that person's traits. For instance, I decided that I wanted to be someone who sends cards for special occasions and as thank-you's. That was something I always thought was so wonderful that other people do, and I wanted to be someone who would do that, and now I do. I stocked up on thank-you cards, and I stocked up on stamps so that it would be easy for me to do, and I began to do it! People really appreciate it, and it makes me feel good, and it makes me feel proud of the person I am. And really, it was a very simple thing to start doing.

My ideal me is thoughtful and compassionate. She makes others feel comfortable being around her and talking with her. She is honest and open about her feelings. She eats to nourish her body and soul, and she is active outdoors in one way or another. She is kind to the Earth. She is on top of her finances (mostly) and she is organized. She likes to challenge herself.

What I mean, then, is that one way I am trying to challenge myself is by maintaining a serious blog. I want to use this to explore my voice, to try to better express myself, and to see whether I have learned to stick to it. I think that blogging about this thirty day minimalism challenge is a good way to start, and that it is relevant to my goals.

My five year plan, if you were wondering, has a few components. A month ago I started at my new job – one I think could actually be long term, for the first time. I like what I do and I am proud to do it. That is a new feeling for me and I intend to remain there and to work hard and see where it may take me. I am getting married next March to the sweetest man I've ever known. He is my partner in everything and I am so looking forward to working together on our dreams. I want to move into a bigger house, in a better area, with a more spacious kitchen. I want to be a mother. Each day I make an effort to take a step towards one or more of these things. I think it's good for me.