My Intentions for the New Year

NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS 2K15

~ Save a portion of every paycheck/other income.

~ Be kinder to my body (this is a forever resolution).

~ Drink alcohol only on special occasions and in moderation.

~ Read (at least) one book per month.

~ Drink more water.

~ Go on a few non-Disney trips. 

(Whenever we leave Tampa it’s to see my family or to go to Disney)

The above is a post I had made on Tumblr this time last year. I still have no money in my savings account, and I certainly did not read a book a month or go on any actual trips (I suppose some day trips to the other coast), but I did drink far less alcohol than I used to and I am the master of hydration these days.

 New Year's Resolutions are silly and usually abandoned by the end of January. I know this. However, I still love to make them. Honestly, any time I have a chance to set goals and pretend I am getting a fresh start, I will do that. A new day, a new week, a new month...seriously. I love it. I've always been really into self-improvement.

Anyway, here are some of my ideas for 2016.

- Explore the idea of a capsule wardrobe. Invest in some solid pieces that are versatile and get rid of old, torn, stained, ill fitting clothes that never get worn. Reduce clutter and excess overall. I think that this will make me feel more in control and will limit the amount of time and stress spent on deciding what to wear.

- Define and stick to my own method of fitness. Frequency and type of exercise, meal plans, etc. I need to be on a regular workout schedule but it needs to stick and it needs to feel good.

- Improve my credit score and otherwise prepare for the next "phase of life". Pay down debts, build a savings account. The plan is to eventually be a mostly stay at home mom and to have a bigger house. Danny & I have some work to do to make that happen.

- Stop gossiping. I don't feel good when I do it but it's hard not to sometimes.  

- See my friends more often.

Now, I would also like to take a moment to pat myself on the back for some of the things I accomplished this year:

I really did learn to drink less alcohol. I only got drunk a handful of times - my friend's wedding, my birthday, Christmas Eve. But there were still times that I was in a restaurant and decided to buy a $10 drink just...because? And it's so not worth it and it bums me out after. But overall I did a great job.

We eliminated a lot of plastic from our home! Replaced our Tupperware with Pyrex glass storage, got a ceramic measuring cup, metal measuring spoons and colander, wooden spoons, ceramic travel mug, glass water bottle, etc. Donated all the plastic stuff and stopped buying it. We also managed to go all this time without using any chemicals to clean the house with - we only use Dr. Bronner's soap, some natural all-purpose cleaner made with essential oils, vinegar, and baking soda. I am SO proud of this.

Lastly, we got really good at paying our bills on time and managing our money this year. We could still be better, but it's been a huge improvement!

This post feels really thrown together but I have been meaning to write it for some time now and just wanted to get these thoughts out there. I hope that you have a happy New Year's Eve and I hope you look back on 2015 feeling good about what you've done, and excited about what you will do in 2016.

24 While I Am 24

Inspired by the amazing Ashlie of Be Your Own Lady, who makes annual to-do lists correlating with her age, I did my own list of 23 things to do while I was 23. I did...well, I did some of them. Anyway, determined to do a better job this year, below is my list of 24 things to do while I am 24.


1. Visit the Hostel in the Forest. This was on my list last year as well, and while it's not an expensive thing to do, I did get engaged shortly after turning 23 and wedding planning has taken up most of my money this year. Anyway, that won't be the case this year after March, so here we go.

2. Grow at lease one fruit or veggie myself and eat it. Buying a basil plant and using it immediately does not count - I need to plant some seeds.

3. Complete an art project. I find myself tossing my art to the side (metaphorically) all too often, so this is my plan to remedy that. I'm leaving it a little vague, though. I'm thinking entering and winning a contest, completing some big home decor project, having artwork displayed somewhere public, or finally running a successful crafty Etsy shop.

4. Get another tattoo. I'm thinking something vegan-related. But any tattoo would be nice, it's been forever.

5. Get high with Danny. It is very rare that I smoke and Danny hasn't done it but once when he was younger, so this is something we want to do together at least once.

6. Develop a fitness routine and stick with it. For instance, a weekly yoga class, nightly walks with the dogs, running. My doctor says to get at least 30 minutes of moderate cardio per day and I have been slacking, to say the least. My goal is to find whatever works for me and to keep doing it, to make it a habit.

7. Invest in a cute new swimsuit. I haven't purchased one in like...three years? I deserve a new one.

8. Pay down my debt. Excluding things like my student loan and my car loan which I will probably be paying for forever, I want to pay off a large chunk of my debts this year. I have two maxed out credit cards and some random unpaid bills, I want to improve my credit score so that I can buy a house someday, so this is my next feat. This is a continuation of my goal last year to get my credit score above 600 which I actually did do.

9. Get one of those cute trunks to place at the foot of the bed and fill it with old diaries and journals. I have never had a special place for those items yet I can't bear to part with them. A trunk would be cute and functional.

10. Read a book per month. This is something I attempt every year. I have a bookshelf full mostly of books I have not read. So, trying yet again!

11. Watch a meteor shower. Maybe make it a picnic?

12. Go berry picking. Another one that's been on every list since I was 21 and never happened.

13. See a psychic / have my tarot cards read / learn more about tarot cards.

14. See a chiropractor.

15. Have at least one nice print made of one of our wedding photos and hang it.

16. Master a casserole recipe. Something that can be a hit at parties and potlucks.

17. Resume consistently donating blood.

18. Replace all my socks and underwear that have holes in them.

19. Learn to make more chemical free household cleaners myself - such as hand soap, dish soap, etc. 

20. Replace all Tupperware with Pyrex glass storage.

21. Use my stinkin' discount and book a room at Disney! I still have not done this and it's been 6 months!

22. Resist the urge to chop my bangs.

23. Attend a volunteer day at Kindred Spirits farm animal sanctuary.

24. Go to a local vegan meet-up! 

Well, there you have it! This took several days to complete but I'm pretty happy with it. I want to add a bonus goal which is to keep up with this blog. So, wish me luck!

Nine days till I'm 24. I think it's gonna be good.

Priorities

5

Identify your 3-6 main priorities

Above all, minimalism is about figuring out what matters most to you in life and how to add more of that to your day-to-day routine. Today: Dig deep and make a list of your 3-6 top priorities in life.

1. Peace

I grew up with parents who were constantly arguing. Seriously - I woke up to them screaming at each other so often that it still haunts me sometimes (like if Danny wakes up before me and is watching a movie in which people are arguing it terrifies me for a split second while I wake because I think my parents are fighting again). So because of this and probably other factors, I can't stand arguing and avoid it whenever I can. I also get over arguments really quickly. And I can't stand when someone is upset with me. So peace in my relationships is a priority for me. 

Peace in general in my life is important to me as well. Peace within my soul, about what I do, where I am, and where I am headed. I know that it's impossible to always feel peaceful and there will always be things which stress me out, but what I refer to here is a rough understanding that I am on my own path and that I am at peace with my current situation.

2. Self

When I was younger I did things I like all the time. Somewhere along the way while growing up, I stopped doing that. I stopped doing things that I liked to do and just did things I had to do or thought I should do. After some more growing up, I learned that taking care of myself is important. Taking care of my health - physical, mental, and emotional - has become a main priority, as it should be. Today even, I am taking a mental health day because I have been feeling overwhelmed. Self is also important when you are in a relationship, in that you need to still take time to be alone and nurture yourself.

3. Security

Money can't buy happiness, but it pays for my home, for my food, for my necessities, and for things that do bring me happiness and comfort. Not to blame my parents for something yet again, but what they were constantly arguing about was money, and I never want to be in a position where that becomes Danny and I. We don't need to be rich, we just need to be comfortable. I want to have money for emergencies and for fun outings and I want us to be in a position where we can reasonably save for the things we want. We want to have children, so for me it is important that they NEVER feel as stressed about money as I did as a child, and I don't want us to become my own screaming parents, especially over money. I want everyone in our home to feel safe. 

4. Love

I love myself. I love my fiance. I love our future children. I love my sister, my niece, my mother. I love my father and think of him daily and I feel his love around me despite him not being around me anymore. I love my friends, most of whom have been with me for close to a decade at this point, and they are my family. I love my relatives who I do not see every day. I love the human spirit which ties us all together and gives us empathy and an inner desire to care for one another. I think love is a force to be reckoned with and that it's one of the most important things. I could not live without it.

No-Complaint Day

Now here is where this challenge actually gets challenging.

4

No-complaint day

Complaining is never productive and a catalyst for negative thought patterns. Challenge yourself to not complain about small stuff today. Either accept the situation and move on, or find a solution.

This was difficult in a different way than I thought it would be. While trying all day to avoid complaining, I found myself a little confused as to what counts as complaining.

For instance, on the drive to work, I said to Danny: "I wish we had left earlier and done the grocery shopping together before you had to work." And he was like, hey, no complaining! And I was like, shit, is that a complaint? Do I complain so much that I consider that more of a statement than a complaint? I guess it was a statement about wishing circumstances were different, which could be considered a negative statement. I wasn't going to go on and on and whine about it, I was just saying. I had already "accepted the situation". I meant it as more of a "next time, we'll do this...". Anyway, it had me thinking.

com·plain

verb

- express dissatisfaction or annoyance about a state of affairs or an event.

"local authorities complained that they lacked sufficient resources"

- state that one is suffering from (a pain or other symptom of illness).

"her husband began to complain of headaches"

- state a grievance.

"they complained to the French government"

Well, I guess I was expressing dissatisfaction, so around 4:00, I had officially failed.

In the same car ride, I was talking with Danny about my upcoming shift bid I had to complete, and I made a comment about not liking the options for days off combined with shift times I had to choose from. This time, I tried to phrase it positively. Or rather, to refer to it as a "challenge". I think I literally said "It is going to be a challenge to select shifts which have both shift times and days off that work for us but I know it will all work out."

I worked the rest of the day and I don't think I complained again. Which is kind of impressive because I sometimes get not-so-happy guests on the phone that I have a word or two to say about after the call, if you know what I mean.

I think that what I learned is that it is okay to complain sometimes, it would feel really unnatural NOT to express dissatisfaction EVER, but to try to phrase things in a more positive light. I think that framing things as a challenge to overcome rather than just an unhappy circumstance is beneficial. But I think that throwing a bitch fit sometimes is beneficial, too.

On Veganism

I wrote the following post in preparation for my one year anniversary (7/28) as a vegan, but did not post it in time.

Today is my one year anniversary of transitioning to veganism. (There is no way to say that that doesn't sound like I converted to a cult, huh.) I thought this might be an ideal time to write about why.

July 2014. I had just read an article in the paper about a man who lost a hundred pounds by eating a plant-based diet. The man had been inspired after watching a documentary about the health benefits of doing so – Forks Over Knives. Danny and I had been trying to lose weight, so that night, we watched the film for ourselves.

We were blown away.

We learned that cholesterol is produced naturally by your body, and that the only way to take in excess cholesterol was by eating animal products, as their bodies produce it just like ours do. That is why when you have high cholesterol, you are told to avoid eggs, meat, and dairy. We learned about how so many health issues are much more common in areas of the world where more animal products are consumed more heavily. We learned how dairy sucks calcium out of your bones and can actually lead to osteoporosis. We learned about people who, simply by eating a plant-based diet, lost weight, gained energy, cured their type two diabetes and their heart problems. That was enough for us and we immediately adopted a plant-based diet.

It was hard for a few weeks, tops. Not because we necessarily wanted to go back to eating those things, but because it was hard to come up with meal ideas. That was when we realized how limited the Standard American Diet (SAD) really was. We were so used to just eating turkey burgers and pasta. I had never eaten the variety of things which I do now – ingredients such as avocado, lentils, beans, dates, and tahini. I craft meals and eat more creatively than I have in my life. (Plus, we can still eat things like Oreos and Twizzlers!)

As we searched for recipes and became more and more acquainted with veganism, the animal rights issue came into play, and we became what I had been calling “THOSE kind of vegans”. We stopped eating honey. We checked our clothes for leather, fur, and silk. I replaced all of my makeup, and other body care products. I did this slowly and as things ran out, until all of it was vegan. We stopped using anything tested on animals or containing animal byproducts.

It is here I will note that it is impossible to be a perfect vegan. Medications are tested on animals and yet we often must take them. In the US, sugar is often filtered through charred animal bones, and that is hard to trace. Certain breads contain feather derivatives, certain beers are filtered through fish guts, certain food dyes come from insects, and certain fruits come with layer of beeswax on them. What I mean is, mistakes happen. The mission behind our choices is the important part, and that is to do the least harm possible.

Months passed, and soon Danny had lost close to fifty pounds. We had come up with so many delicious meals to prepare that we barely even thought about it anymore. We had visited Kindred Spirits – a farm animal sanctuary – twice, and fallen in love with the cows and the pigs and the chickens. We had joined an online community of vegans with whom we shared ideas, struggles, passion, and recipes. And finally, we watched Earthlings.

Often called the film that “turns people vegan”, Earthlings is a hard watch. It is narrated by Joaquin Phoenix – a vegan himself – and addresses all the ways in which the world uses and abuses animals. From puppy mills and overbreeding, to circuses and zoos, to fur farms, if you have an ounce of compassion in you, it will break your heart. You will also be forced to actually understand where your food comes from, and that is the real kicker.

I grew up thinking that cows always produce milk, and that they will be in pain if they are not milked. I really honestly never stopped to question that logic. So in case you haven't, either, consider that cows are mammals, and that mammals produce milk only when they are pregnant. Humans do this. And cows do it, too. Cows know that they are pregnant, they know that they have given birth, and they know that their babies have been taken away from them. They cry out, and some have been shown to go to great lengths to try to keep their babies with them. Then, they are forcibly impregnated again and again, until they are determined useless, and killed. Dairy is a feminist issue. It is common in this industry to refer to “rape racks”, which are used to impregnate dairy cows, against their will. Please think about that.

Please also think about the baby cows who are, after being separated from their mothers, forced into little crates to wait to become veal. So that you can drink the milk nature intended for them, their mother's breast milk. Are you seeing it yet? Are you feeling it?

Everyone knows that the dairy, egg, and meat industries are cruel. That is why “humane” and “cage-free” products have become so popular. And yet, the disconnect is so strong. No one wants to really believe that they are active participants in the constant slaughter (which by definition can never be humane), in the cruelty that is happening behind doors. It will only get worse, with legislation passing constantly to keep film crews out of farms. Doesn't that sound sketchy to you? Shouldn't they be okay with letting you see these happy, laughing cows that they advertise?

Cows, chickens, pigs, and even fish are just as sentient as your dog and your cat. They are smart (in fact, pigs are as smart as three year old humans), they feel love, and they feel pain. They can be playful and form friendships. They DREAM (chickens experience REM sleep just like us). They have a will to live. “Animals are not here for us, they are here with us.”

Another, less sentimental, if you will, way to look at this is by considering the environment. The meat industry is a bigger cause of greenhouse gases which contribute to global warming than automobiles. The animal industry is destroying the planet. Fishing is happening at such an alarming rate, that we are emptying the ocean much faster than you'd like to think.

And yet another way to look at it: If we took all the grain used to fatten animals for slaughter and instead fed it to people, we could abolish hunger.

I try not to post about this often, food photos aside. I know how defensive and icky these things make people feel. I also know that my friends and family are wonderful, compassionate people. I do not blame you, and I totally understand where you are coming from, because one year + one day ago, I thought all the same things that you do. I am not judging you. I am just saddened by the system which lies to us from birth about where our food actually comes from. If you introduce any child to a cow, or a pig, or a chicken, and then tell them that is what their burger is, that child will be upset. That is why we call it things like “bacon”, “steak”, and “nuggets” - to cover up what we know on some basic level is wrong. I grew up that way, too. In a society which knows it is wrong to hurt or consume dogs or cats and yet does the same to other creatures, it's just about finally “making the connection”.

Which is what Danny and I did this year.

I would like to add another tidbit that I just saw online, in reference to the oft-cited passage in the Bible where God gives humans "dominion" over animals, which people use to defend their consumption of animals:

Dominion is not the same as tyranny. The queen of England has “dominion” over her subjects, but that doesn’t mean she can eat them, wear them, or experiment on them. If we have dominion over animals, surely it is to protect them, not to abuse them for our own ends. There is nothing in the Bible that would justify our modern-day policies that desecrate the environment, destroy entire species of wildlife, and inflict torment and death on billions of animals every year. The Bible imparts a reverence for life; a loving God could not help but be appalled at the way His creatures are being treated. For more information, please visit JesusVeg.com.

Day Three

3

Declutter your digital life

Take care of your digital clutter today: Spring-clean your desktop, delete any files you don’t need anymore and set up a simple, no-fuss folder structure.

Day three. Disregarding that there were like...a lot of days in between one and two. 

I am going to, at the very least, do this with my iPhone today. I will go through all my photos, upload the good ones to Flickr, delete unused apps, and probably also edit the blogs and people I follow online. 

As for my laptop, we will see. I only use it for paying bills and for writing this blog, and the desktop is completely overtaken with icons, and it's really daunting, but this is supposed to be a challenge, right?

This is one of the more boring challenges because I feel like I wade through the shit on my phone pretty often? Like, this isn't new? But it is absolutely necessary. 

If anyone is reading this, I challenge you to do the same! Especially unfollowing shitty porn blogs on Tumblr. Which I think I'll go do right now.

On Meditation

It has been months.

I am so lucky that Blogger is linked through Google, or I wouldn't even have known where to find this.

I read through what I had been writing, and then clicked on a draft called "On Meditation" - it was an empty page. So that's where this picks up.

Day two of the minimalism challenge was to meditate for fifteen minutes and I couldn't do it! I could not sit and meditate for a mere quarter of an hour. I downloaded an app for guided meditation and I just could not stand to sit still, back straight, for more than, like, five minutes. And I felt nothing.

"Meditation reduces stress and anxiety and gives you a ton of extra energy and mental clarity. Use an app like Headspace to give it a try today."

I have often thought of meditation as a broader term for other calming things I like to do. When I got  upset as a teen, I would walk around my neighborhood with my film camera and snap photos. I'd explore the little patch of woods and people's yards, looking for things that seemed out of place or especially beautiful. It was so soothing. Photographing in that way is so important to me and so special. I think that counts as meditation.

Recently, I began to pray again. Religion will probably be a whole post of its own later on, but for now let me tell you that God(dess) and I have not spoken in quite some time. But a few weeks ago, and I couldn't tell you what compelled me to do it, I decided to say hello.

I had been spending my lunch breaks pacing back and forth in the parking lot at work, mindlessly gazing at my phone, for weeks. But then one day, I stuck my phone back in my pocket, took in the sunshine and sweet afternoon breeze, and started talking to...whoever. Out loud. (Though I'm far enough that no one can hear and think I've lost my marbles.) Basically I've just been chatting with Them (God should be gender neutral, right?) about how things are going, things I am thankful for, and things I am worrying about. And then I contemplate silently. And then I say, talk to you soon.

And really, I think that is meditation, too. I am counting my blessings and spending time reflecting. I am considering my feelings. Spending time alone with my thoughts.

I'm probably wrong but I'm going to say that these count as meditation.

Heck, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that writing this blog is meditation, too.

On Grieving My Father

Tomorrow would have been my father's 62nd birthday.

He died when I was seventeen, a junior in high school. It was December 22nd. I was on the computer in the living room, my mom was at work, and my sister was in the shower. My dad was having severe chest pains, which was common, but this time he called 9-1-1. Doubled over in pain, he had me take over the call. They ambulance got there shortly, they put him on a stretcher, and took him away. He died in the ambulance. I will never in my whole life forget watching them push his stretcher out the front door and me not saying a word. I thought about saying "I love you!" but I didn't. I meant to. I guess I was thinking it would be more of a "See you later!".

My dad had health issues my entire life - surgeries on his knees, back, and several on his heart. I remember being a kid and my sister and I writing "YES" on one knee and "NO" on the other before surgery. Once, my dad had an aneurysm in his abdomen, which he found on his own, and used to roll around with his hand, before he knew what it was and had surgery. My dad was a recovering alcoholic (from before I was born) and battled a lot of issues in his life. He survived so many things that most people don't. He joked that God didn't want him and that "only the good die young, so I'll be around forever". I had grown to believe that, and that is why I did not initially panic when he was pushed out that door, the (second to) last time I saw him.

I'm not trying to make you sad, I just want you to have some background.

I was always an absolute daddy's girl. I idolized him my whole life. My father was kind, smart, and loving. He made friends with strangers everywhere we went. He had the greatest sense of humor and was always making everyone laugh. He had so much knowledge and life experience, so many stories. He cared about us fiercely. He loved classic rock and roll, gardening, and his family. He was very proud of us.

The worst moment of my entire life took place in my living room with my sister and my best friend. My mom called the hospital to see what was going on with my dad, and that is when they told her. We all broke down in the most hideous sobs, clinging to each other. I don't remember how it ended. It was unreal. I mostly remember staring straight ahead at the fireplace and sobbing the loudest, most horrible sobs. My father dying had always been my greatest fear, because he was the most important person in my world.

The second worst moment was going to the hospital to see him. My mom's boss insisted we all go see. I set one foot into the room, saw him for one moment, lifeless, his mouth open, he was propped slightly up. Then I turned and ran down the hall. I don't think he would have wanted me to have a memory like that.

The third worst moment was waking up the next morning. I remember how it felt to open my eyes, and see the white ceiling. We had slept in the living room. And then how it felt to remember that my dad had died, and to feel that punch in my gut again.

Those are pretty much my only memories of those weeks. I know that we were surrounded by loved ones most of those days, and that on Christmas morning, my mother, sister, and I had to sit and open all our gifts, included the ones intended for my father. I must have blocked that out because I really don't remember that much. I'm glad.

And from there, it just slowly got better. I guess. Time healing wounds and all.

The theme of this post, however, is not just darkness. I want to explore with you how I experience grief now, six years later, in ever-varying ways. Because you never ever stop grieving when you lose a loved one.

Sometimes I think of my father and feel sad. I feel that stinging, empty loss. I cry, usually alone in the car to an oldie's song that my dad had had some story about. I think about my wedding and him not being there and I think about how much I would have liked his advice. I think about how unfair it is.

Sometimes I think of my father and smile. I honestly, truly feel his presence, as if he is sitting beside me and is laughing. I sound sappy and spiritual but it's so real. As I get older I feel him with me and I feel him living inside me, as well. I feel his smile radiate out through mine, I see his eyes sparkling. I remember my science teacher telling me that my dad lives on because he exists in every cell in my body. I feel peace and comfort. I trust that I will see him again, be it in Heaven or in the form of other people I encounter and love. This is how he wanted to be remembered, and I know he is glad when I miss him this way.

Sometimes I think of my father and wonder what he would have thought of me. It makes me worry. He did not like liberals, and was my political opposite. He would not have been happy when I got my tattoos, or my piercings, or when I voted for a Democrat. Oh, he would have hated that. Would he have hated me?

Sometimes I think of my father and feel overwhelming anger. I need him! He was supposed to teach me how to grow up. He was supposed to comfort me when I was hurt. He was supposed to be there when I am afraid or struggling or need help. I still need him, and it isn't fair. I am still angry.

And sometimes, I think of my father and feel relieved. This has been the most troubling feeling to have, because it seems wrong. But in a way, I am thankful that my father died while he was still my hero. Every single person has flaws and I grew up feeling like my mother had them all, while my father was perfect. I continued to feel that way for a few years after he died. But as I have matured, and gotten to know my mother better, I understand that they both had flaws. I understand that there is more depth to them than I knew, and that my father did a lot of bad things. And in a way, I am glad that he passed away before I realized that.

Most of the time, though, I think about how much he loved me. I imagine he would be proud of me, that we would have playfully disagreed on things but mostly seen eye to eye, and that he would have loved the man I'm going to marry. I imagine him being the greatest grandfather of all time - he would have loved my sister's baby more than anything and been so proud. I am proud to be his daughter.

And all of the time, I know that he is still with me, one way or another.

Finding Out That I'm An HSP & Self Care Talk

All my life I have been emotional.

I remember feeling such rage at my little sister when we were kids. I remember crying over the smallest things. I remember being in elementary school and noting how strange it was that I didn't cry when all of my friends did at fifth grade graduation, but that I sobbed over things that in comparison, didn't seem worth crying about.

I never really thought there was anything wrong with me until I got older.

When I was about twenty-one, I became depressed. I drank, a lot, which didn't help either. After an especially hard break-up, I remember making a point to keep wine with me wherever I went. I stashed little bottles in my purse. I drank myself sick often, and then I started doing it alone. I withdrew from my friends. I thought of how I would kill myself and I visualized it often, never really meaning to go through with it, but fantasizing and planning it in my head. I started seeing a counselor, and then I started seeing Danny, and everything kind of just...got better. Not perfect, but better. The funny thing is, my counselor didn't think I was depressed. I stopped seeing her after about three sessions.

When I worked at the doughnut shop, I used to get really angry. Some unpleasant customer interaction would happen and I would get so fuming that I would dig my fingernails into my arms and pinch myself so hard I left bruises. This happened often. I thought I just hated my job, but I kept doing it at the next one. If a customer so much as wanted their drink heated up, I would fill with this horrible anger. I knew it was irrational! So I went to see another counselor. I again was told that I am not depressed or bipolar. My counselor treated me as though I simply hated my job and needed career counseling. One day she took a sick day and never called me to reschedule, which I took as a personal slight and never went back.

One time I really wanted a pumpkin bagel and when I got to the shop they were out and I had to go to the bathroom because I was sobbing and had to compose myself. “What the fuck is wrong with me?”

One time (okay, more than one time) I was stuck in traffic and hungry and my phone was dying and I screamed at the top of my lungs and punched the roof of the car over and over and sobbed. “What the fuck is wrong with me?”

One time Danny and I were on vacation for our anniversary and the spot we planned to pick up dinner was closed due to rain and I stood in one spot and cried for half an hour, knowing we couldn't eat there but not wanting to go anywhere else. “What the fuck is wrong with me?”

A few weeks ago I was home alone and didn't feel like sitting around so I hopped in the car and started driving with no destination. I felt overwhelmed by my indecision about where to go so I stopped in a parking lot and called my mom to see what she was up to. She was busy, so I quickly got off the phone and started crying. Then I drove to another parking lot, stopped, and cried some more. My mom tried calling me four times until I finally answered – she had heard the tone in my voice and knew I was sad and was calling to invite me to join her plans for the day. When I got off the phone, I found out that Danny, concerned, had sent out a mass text asking people to hang out with me (without my knowledge), and was so embarrassed I broke down in sobs again. “What the fuck is wrong with me?”

Sometimes I read poetry that resonates with me so deeply that I cry. I feel so strongly, I can't find the right words to explain how overwhelmed I am by the beauty of things. Ask my friends what I was like during the summer I took Astronomy. Ask anyone I have paused a song for and explained the meaning behind the lyrics to before starting the track over, saying “listen, listen to the words”. Or, “listen to this harmony in this Simon & Garfunkel song, listen to their voices, right here, isn't it...amazing?”. And most common, “Look at the sky!!!”. Don't even let me drive during sunrise, because my eyes will not be on the road.

I over think social cues and situations. I read a text over and over before sending it, contemplating all the possible ways it could come across, and asking those around me whether it says what I want it to say. “Is this rude? Does this sound rude? Do you think they will know what I mean by this...?” It can get excessive. I have always cared a great deal about what people think of me.

When I was little, I called 9-1-1 as a joke and a cop scolded me sternly. I went years afterward thinking that all police officers hated me.

Another incident when I was young – I had seen some dramatic, frightening television special about the crucifixion of Jesus, and about stigmata, and it troubled me so greatly that I struggled to sleep for a year. I remember it to this day.

Any criticism from teachers and bosses is met with tears, even when I try really, really hard not to.

I've always been excruciatingly indecisive, and when I make what seems like the wrong decision, I can't get over it. Ask anyone who's been shopping with me.

When I am hungry, I am extremely irritable and hard to be around. Ask Danny.

What I am getting at, is that recently there was an article floating around called 13 Things Anyone Who Loves A Highly Sensitive PersonShould Know. It looked interesting, so I clicked on it.

And that is when it happened.

We're going to cry.

Decisions make us nervous.
We notice that subtle change in your tone.
Criticism is incredibly distressing.
We crave deep relationships.

...and so on and so forth.

I looked up Highly Sensitive People and it turns out, it's not just an adjective in front of a noun, it's a Real Fucking Thing. From another article:

They feel more deeply.

They're more emotionally reactive.
They're probably used to hearing, "Don't take things so personally" and "Why are you so sensitive?"
It takes longer for them to make decisions.
And on that note, they are more upset if they make a "bad" or "wrong" decision.
Not all highly sensitive people are introverts.
They work well in team environments.
They're more prone to anxiety or depression.
That annoying sound is probably significantly more annoying to a highly sensitive person.
They cry more easily.
The effects of criticism are especially amplified in highly sensitive people.

Could it be? I haven't related to anything so intensely in all my life. Need to know more. From hsperson.com,

Other people’s moods affect me.

I find myself needing to withdraw during busy days,into bed or into a darkened room or any place where I can have some privacy and relief from stimulation.

I am particularly sensitive to the effects of caffeine.

I have a rich,complex inner life.

I am deeply moved by the arts or music.

My nervous system sometimes feels so frazzled that I just have to go off by myself.

I startle easily.

I get rattled when I have a lot to do in a short amount of time.

I am annoyed when people try to get me to do too many things at once.

I try hard to avoid making mistakes or forgetting things.

I become unpleasantly aroused when a lot is going on around me.

Being very hungry creates a strong reaction in me,disrupting my concentration or mood.

I notice and enjoy delicate or fine scents, tastes, sounds, works of art.

I find it unpleasant to have a lot going on at once.

I am bothered by intense stimuli, like loud noises or chaotic scenes.

At that point, I was sobbing.

It turns out, about 20% of the population are highly sensitive people. Not just me!

It turns out, there is nothing wrong with me. There are no words for how that feels. To finally know why I feel the way I feel, and to know that it's okay and it's just part of who I am. To have an explanation. I really hated myself for a long time, and now I am allowed to forgive myself and treat myself kindly –

Part of that is self care. And it's stuff that I am more willing to do now that I know it is a Real Thing.

For instance, I will no longer go to the grocery store while I am hungry, and especially not alone and hungry. I have had many a breakdown wandering around in stores, overstimulated and overwhelmed, hungry and indecisive – as if it matters that much what I'm picking up. Now I go with a list and with a full tummy, and ideally, with Danny.

I try not to drink. I know I still have a problem because whenever I am anywhere where there is alcohol – I want it. Even if I don't want it, I want it. And I can't leave a drink unfinished. Even if it is nasty, I will suck it down. These are not things I want to continue doing.

If I feel overwhelmed by the negative energy of those around me – like recently, there was a game we played in my training class and everyone got really, really competitive and it gave me a lot of anxiety – I now separate myself from it. I go outside in the gazebo and listen to music and breathe.

I make a point to listen to those songs that I love, that feed my soul and make me feel everything all at once.

And above all, I keep myself fed. No more restrictive dieting, and keep a snack with me at all times.

Anyway, I think it is important to talk about because I went 23 years not knowing this existed. And because so many people out there are highly sensitive and don't know. And I know how awful that feels. To feel like an embarrassment to yourself and those around you. It sucks.

It is also important to me to be honest about it because everyone has “stuff”. And I think that to help each other we need to be okay talking about our “stuff” sometimes.

The ability to unconsciously or semi-consciously process environmental subtleties often contributes to an HSP seeming "gifted" or possessing a "sixth sense".

"The truly creative mind in any field is no more than this: A human creature born abnormally, inhumanly sensitive. To him... a touch is a blow, a sound is a noise, a misfortune is a tragedy, a joy is an ecstasy, a friend is a lover, a lover is a god, and failure is death. Add to this cruelly delicate organism the overpowering necessity to create, create, create--- so that without the creating of music or poetry or books or buildings or something of meaning, his very breath is cut off from him. He must create, must pour out creation. By some strange, unknown, inward urgency he is not really alive unless he is creating." - Pearl S. Buck

Forward

I used to love to write.

In middle school I wrote corny poems about love, and about peace, and later about feeling sad. One even got published in some random collection I can't remember the title of and will never find again.

Even before that, I wrote in journals. First, one that was small and pink, with Barbie on the cover, eventually a hardcover Harry Potter journal, and by the end, fancier leather ones with gold edges. The end came around early adulthood, and I'm still unsure as to why. I used to write in them religiously, years of my childhood on paper. I wrote about wanting to be a Spice Girl, about my little sister being a brat, about being afraid that I was inherently evil (pretty deep for a nine year old), and as the years passed, about my dad's health issues and about the boys and girls I had crushes on. At some point, though, it no longer felt important. I stopped writing. Maybe I had to write so much in school I lost interest, maybe I no longer had the time, maybe I was intimidated by my writer boyfriend.

Whatever the reason, it continues to bum me out. That is why, every so often, I create a new blog, and I write a post or two. I started a photography blog, a flight attendant blog, a blog about my college experience, a beauty product review blog, and a weight loss blog - none of which panned out. For years now, my writing has been limited to text posts on Tumblr, scattered among funny gifs from my favorite shows and vegan junk food recipes (and plenty of selfies, of course). So here I am, throwing myself into it again.

This past year I have become what you could call “goal-oriented”. It sucks because I stress out about reaching goals sometimes, but it's really incredible because I never used to have “goals”. There was a gaping hole of years in my life where I had no motivation or ideas about my future. Some of that time I was seriously depressed and coping with alcohol, some of that time I was just drifting. Point being, if you asked me about my “five year plan” I would have laughed and/or cried. Eventually, though, I got to a better place and I got some ideas about how I want my life to go.

My favorite method of setting goals is to imagine my ideal self. I don't mean the 120lb me with perfect hair and no pores on my nose who will never, ever exist, by the way – I mean, I will probably always want that, but – I am looking deeper here. I think about the people in my life who I admire, and what characteristics I admire about them. I think about what kind of person I want to be. And then I make a list of that person's traits. For instance, I decided that I wanted to be someone who sends cards for special occasions and as thank-you's. That was something I always thought was so wonderful that other people do, and I wanted to be someone who would do that, and now I do. I stocked up on thank-you cards, and I stocked up on stamps so that it would be easy for me to do, and I began to do it! People really appreciate it, and it makes me feel good, and it makes me feel proud of the person I am. And really, it was a very simple thing to start doing.

My ideal me is thoughtful and compassionate. She makes others feel comfortable being around her and talking with her. She is honest and open about her feelings. She eats to nourish her body and soul, and she is active outdoors in one way or another. She is kind to the Earth. She is on top of her finances (mostly) and she is organized. She likes to challenge herself.

What I mean, then, is that one way I am trying to challenge myself is by maintaining a serious blog. I want to use this to explore my voice, to try to better express myself, and to see whether I have learned to stick to it. I think that blogging about this thirty day minimalism challenge is a good way to start, and that it is relevant to my goals.

My five year plan, if you were wondering, has a few components. A month ago I started at my new job – one I think could actually be long term, for the first time. I like what I do and I am proud to do it. That is a new feeling for me and I intend to remain there and to work hard and see where it may take me. I am getting married next March to the sweetest man I've ever known. He is my partner in everything and I am so looking forward to working together on our dreams. I want to move into a bigger house, in a better area, with a more spacious kitchen. I want to be a mother. Each day I make an effort to take a step towards one or more of these things. I think it's good for me.

Getting Started

Today I began a thirty day minimalism challenge, and honestly, today's task is probably the hardest one.

1. Stay offline for one day

Social media, endless news streams and articles all drain our energy and keep us in a constant distracted state. So today: Log off and enjoy the calmness of staying disconnected.

It's not as if I haven't done this before, it's just that it has been a while. And usually, when I do something like this, it's only social media in particular that I avoid. It has been strange not being able to google things! (If you are wondering how I am typing this right now, I am just using OpenOffice on my laptop, so I'm not online... loophole!) I did need to drop by the library to print out a copy of my renewed lease, which did involve logging into my e-mail, but that totally didn't count.

At work it was easy to avoid my phone – I was busy. But now that I am home, I'm going to have to get more creative. Normally I would marathon Scrubs until bedtime, breaking to cook dinner, and browse Tumblr. Today, I think, I will clean out my purse and catch up on my magazines (would you believe I am two issues behind on Real Simple?).

So far I know I have missed twenty-two Facebook notifications – so far – and some cute baby photos on Instagram, according to my sister. I have a list of things I have wanted to look up but couldn't (mostly a bunch of stuff about kombucha) and I am missing my Timehop nostalgia trip for the day. I also have no idea what my friends are doing because I haven't been stalking them, and I am the world's worst texter. Hopefully everyone is okay!

I really do enjoy doing things like this, though. I like the quiet and the focus. I like to de-stress and de-clutter. I like time spent alone (sometimes). And, I figured, what a perfect time to try to blog again.

Note: It has been a week and I have still only done day one of the minimalism challenge... I didn't give up, I'm just...taking my time.